| SPECIAL EDITION:
THE DECADE IN IRONY, 2000-2009 |
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 Bush Win
Inspires Average Students
Presidency not out of reach for those
with poor grades, police records, money. |
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Genetically Engineered Chickens
On Steroids Lay a Dozen Eggs
At a Time
“Probably safe for human
consumption,” says FDA. |
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Tobacco Companies Offer
Florida Smokers “Free Cigarettes for
Life”
Would be in lieu of multi-billion dollar cash
settlement. |
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THREE
TENORS TO FLY ON SHUTTLE
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| Mission will study effects of
weightlessness on the ego. |
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As
my second term in office nears an
end, I’ve had time to reflect on
both the high points and the low points
of the past eight years. Certainly, the
lowest point of my presidency came when I
was impeached and nearly removed from
office for having an affair with a young
White House intern, Monica Lewinsky. The
country was put through a horrible ordeal
it should never have had to go through,
and for that I am deeply sorry. The high
point? That would have to be those
exhilarating moments of ecstasy in the
small room off the Oval Office with that
babe-a-licious Ms. Lewinsky, whose lips
and milky white breasts kept me aroused
for hours. Let me tell you, it
doesn’t get much better than that.
However, it’s time to say goodbye to
the White House and to all the wonderful
people we’ve had the pleasure to
meet over the past eight years. Thank
you, and God bless. |
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BOB HOPE
ARRIVES IN KABUL
“So many
cab drivers, so few cabs,”
quips aging comedian. |
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Russians Claim to Have
Simulated Human Brain
New computer will be used for testing
vodka. |
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Japan Facing Severe Recession
Entire population may be forced to eat
raw fish. |
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Rich Say They Need Bush Tax Cut
Point to high price of diamonds,
yachts, caviar. |
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Bush Says He Welcomes
Congressional Oversight
Congressional leaders agree to overlook
everything. |
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Smoking Pot No
Longer Illegal in England
But smokers must wear
identifying tattoo. |
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BIN LADEN ESCAPES
AFGHANISTAN ON SEGWAY
Said to have bought
first one hundred sold. |
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Administration Presents Case for
Iraq Invasion to Congress
Cites 12% rise last year in sales of luxury SUVs. |
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Ashcroft Orders
Cover-up at Justice Department
“The Spirit of
Justice” (rear) must
wear pasties. |
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Survey: Half the World
Undernourished
The other half obese. |
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U.S. Wants to Dump 77,000
Pounds of Nuclear Waste 90
Miles from Las Vegas
Many argue that's not close enough. |
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Middle Class Losing Health
Insurance
But problem is temporary
– middle class rapidly
vanishing. |
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Nike Unveils
$200 Air Jordans
Each shoe can feed the
person who made it for a
year. |
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