VATICAN PROFITS
SHRINKING
Part of worldwide
economic slowdown. |
|
|
|
WORLD NEWS |
|
G-8 Summit Considered a
Success
Food good, wine superb, cigars
first-rate. |
|
U.S. Asks Russians to Help
Find Missing FBI Weapons, Computers
KGB has best records of FBI inventory. |
|
Israel, Palestinians Reach
Agreement
Agree to escalate conflict. |
|
Queen Elizabeth Insists Royal
Family Cut Costs
Mistress maintenance fees halved. |
|
Kenyans Asked to Abstain from
Sex for Two Years
World Bank asked to pay cost of cold
showers. |
|
Elian Gonzalez Returned to
U.S.
Obnoxious brat wears out
welcome in Cuba. |
|
Security
Tight at G-8 Summit
German Deputy Foreign Minister
Hans Pfaff (right) is
strip-searched before
being allowed entrance. |
|
|
U. S. NEWS |
|
FBI Misplaces Keys, Glasses in
Latest Embarrassment
Can't get in headquarters without
keys, can't find keys without
glasses. |
|
Pentagon Scraps Old Strategy
for Winning Two Wars Simultaneously
New plan is win one, lose
one. |
|
Artificial Heart
Working Flawlessly
But patient died two weeks ago. |
|
Florida: 6,291 Alligators
Voted for Bush
Ballots were properly filled out, says
Harris. |
|
REMINDER
You're turning
into your mother. |
|
|
|
CONSUMER NEWS |
|
Dodge Caravan Gets "Poor"
Rating in Government Crash Tests
But receives Excellent rating from
International Brotherhood of Car Bombers. |
|
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
|
UFO's Observed Hovering Over
Wide Swath of New Jersey
Bright, glowing objects dismissed by Air
Force as nothing more than alien
intelligences observing us at close
range. |
|