| TRAVEL |
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Museum
Proposed For Sing Sing
Prison
Visitors will be able to
sit in famed electric
chair (shown) and receive
souvenir shock. |
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| MILESTONES |
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Don Quixote 400
Years Old
Most loved, least read book of all time. |
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| SPORTS |
|
Baseball Takes Tough
Stand on Steroids
New rule says any syringe caught by fan
in foul territory is that fan's to keep. |
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Baseball: Complicated 10-Team
Trade Completed
No players or cash involved, just
“future considerations.” |
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Don King
Files $2.5 Billion
Lawsuit Against ESPN
Claims he was
“defulminated,
defibrillated and
defenestrated” by
sports network. |
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Inaugural
Schedule
6-9 AM:
Citizens along the parade
route are interrogated
and strip searched.
10 AM:
Attorney General John
Ashcroft leads the Abu
Ghraib Tabernacle Choir
in “Onward Christian
Soldiers.”
10:30 AM:
Colin Powell interrogated
and strip searched.
11 AM:
All Iraqi election
officials granted asylum,
interrogated and strip
searched.
Noon:
Dick Cheney sworn in,
exorcised.
1 PM:
Grand jury investigating
Tom DeLay sent to
Guantanamo for
questioning.
2 PM:
U.S. Poet Laureate reads
“Oh Captain, My
Captain,” specially
rewritten as a tribute to
Ken Lay.
3 PM:
The “Getting Tough
on Corporate Crime”
float, featuring Martha
Stewart in stocks, passes
reviewing stand.
4 PM:
Bush takes oath, gives
speech, “Ask Not
What Your Country Can Do
to You, When the Only Thing
You Have to Fear is Your
Country, Itself.”
5-Midnight:
Pharmaceutical Industry
Soiree, Energy Industry
Banquet, Insurance
Companies Gala, U. S.
Chamber of Commerce
Bacchanal. |
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