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NEARLY ONE
MILLION UNDERCOVER COPS
WELCOME IN NEW YEAR
They mob Times Square to
watch ball drop. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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British Intelligence: Nixon
Planned to Seize Saudi, Kuwaiti Oil
Fields in '73
White House: British intelligence
notoriously unreliable. |
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Dollar Sinks to New Lows
Against Euro
European tourists complain of snotty,
rude American waiters. |
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| ECONOMY |
|
5.9% Unemployment Rate Jumps
To 9.7% When Underemployed,
Discouraged, and No Longer
Looking Are Included
Jumps to 31.4% when unpaid interns,
serfs, slave laborers are
counted. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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Martian Rover Lands
Successfully
Photo courtesy of the Martian
News Service. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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USDA Bans Use of Cattle
Brains, Spinal Cord, Nerve
Tissue in Food
As if anyone will ever eat beef again
after reading that sentence. |
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Many New Laws Take Effect
Across Nation
You're under arrest. |
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Poll: George Bush, Hillary
Clinton “Most Admired”
He for slashing Medicare, she for
opposing slashing it. |
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REMINDER
Wash
your hands constantly. |
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FBI Issues Alert About People
Carrying Almanacs
Asks public to report anyone
quoting Ben Franklin. |
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Court Blocks Weakening of
Clean Air Act
Major setback for supporters of dirty
air. |
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TV Preacher Pat Robertson Says
God Told Him Bush Will Win By
Landslide in '04
After waging a long, dirty campaign. |
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Source: FBI Closing in on
White House Leaker
Can't reveal name, although
it's a scramble of the words
“Lark Over.” |
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