FIRST
LADY TO TEACH ADULT
LITERACY CLASS
President enrolled. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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Genocide in Sudan Tops List of
Stuff We Don't Want to Hear About
U.S. entanglement in Colombia is
second. |
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Russia Fears Missile Shield Could
Lead to U.S. Hegemony
Also fears Bush doesn't know
what "hegemony" means. |
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Britain Legalizes Human Cloning
Except for royal family. |
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Pope Names 37 New Cardinals
Manager LaRussa hopes “just one
of them” can pitch. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Short-Range Forecast
Includes Belt-Tightening, Downsizing
Long-range forecast includes scavenging, looting. |
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| PEOPLE |
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SEN. STROM
THURMOND DEAD
Apparently passed away 18
years ago. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Joey "The Biscuit" Tortoni
Shot Down in New York
Just one of many mob executions
before hitmen go on strike. |
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Evangelical Christians Excited at
Prospects for Next Four Years
Expect to attend lots of Washington
parties, live it up. |
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Clinton Signs Three New Bills
Pays his own gas, phone, and electric
bills. |
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Allstate Raises
Premium on Alien
Abduction Insurance
“We're
losing our shirts,”
explains spokesman. |
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Bushes Begin Two-Week Vacation
Will relax at Texas ranch after
hectic first week in office. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
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EPA Designated National
Historic Site
Headquarters will be preserved. |
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| LIFESTYLE |
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Changes Coming to Daylight Savings
Clocks to be turned ahead 10 minutes every
month for six months, then back 10 minutes every
month for the other six months. |
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