| U. S. NEWS |
 FORD
BEANS CLINTON
The President couldn't get out of the way
of an errant three-iron by former
President Gerald Ford. |
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Gruesome Discovery in Hollywood
Fossilized hand and foot found in
Chinese Theater cement. |
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| Scranton, PA's
"Scooter Cops" Losing
War on Crime |
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"Give us our bikes back,"
pleads unhappy patrolman. |
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| ELECTION 2000 |
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Bush to Offer Seniors Choice:
Social Security or Lottery Tickets
Program will save taxpayers money,
create many new millionaires, he says. |
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Buchanan-Hagelin TV Debate Called Off
Two Reform Party candidates will
argue on phone instead. |
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| POST-OLYMPIC UPDATE |
Wrestler Loses Medal for
Using Banned Sustance
Bulgarian must
return gold after testing positive for helium. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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Earthquake, Tidal Wave Cancel
Each Other Out in Philippines
Resulting conditions "quite
pleasant" say residents. |
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Russian Mafia, KGB in
Power Sharing Accord
Agree to divvy up everything. |
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China Closes Tibet for
"Repairs"
Will re-open in 2005. |
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Parity Achieved in Colombian
Drug War
Government, guerrillas, death squads,
drug lords now at equal strength thanks to
U.S. help. |
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ADVANCED
TECHNOLOGY
New Search
Engine Can Download
Unprotected Portions of
User's Brain
"Vampire"
program challenged by
critics, but none of
their ideas "worth a
damn," say
Vampire’s promoters,
who have already examined their
thoughts. |
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| FRINGE |
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Man, Shoes Stuffed With Rice
Pilaf, Re-Traces De Soto's Route
West
"Just let him go," mental
health experts advise curious. |
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