| NEW PRODUCTS |
 |
 Nike's App-
Controlled Bluetooth- Enabled
Smart Sneakers
Walk, run, dance, leap over walls and fences, climb
stairs, slam dunk, escape muggers, outrun cops, win
marathons, literally catch cabs, trains and planes.
Just tell your Smart Nikes where you want to go and
when you want to be there and you're off. You'll say
“Eat my dust, Sucka."”and everyone
else will say, “What the hell was that?”
$296, at CyborgWear House. |
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| |
| MISCELLANEOUS |
|
President Brags of Support for
Declaration of National Emergency from
Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Tucker
Carlson, Rush Limbaugh
Ann Coulter is under house arrest
and could not be reached for comment. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
NFL: Browns Give Second
Chance to Player Caught
On Video Beating Woman
“At least he never kneeled during the
anthem,” club explains. |
|
| TRAVEL |
|
 Delta Apologizes
for Diet Coke Napkins That Encourage In-Flight Flirting
Campaign will be taken over by Jack Daniels. |
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| TRENDS |
|
Latest Hot Item: $1.30 Plastic
Engagement Ring
Enormously popular with men. |
| |
| RELIGION |
|
Catholic Church Names 200
Priests “Credibly Accused”
Of Child Sex Abuse
But claims they've said 100,000 Hail Marys
and God has forgiven them. |
| |
| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 First Documented
Sighting of Black Panther in Kenya Since 1909
Many undocumented sightings since 1909, but they
ended badly, and without a picture. |
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