Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – AUGUST 7 - 13, 2017
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NEW PRODUCTS
Stiletto Roller Skates!
Expect to see more people wearing these, at S&M roller derby parties, and in countries that permit torture. $299, at all remaining Sears.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Administration Looking
Into Discrimination Against
Whites in Universities

Also wants to tackle discrimination against blacks in the NBA.
Five Shootings, Three Deaths Mar Baltimore's “Nobody Kill Anybody” Weekend
“Nobody Rape Anybody,” “Nobody Throw Acid in Anybody's Face,” “Nobody Steal Anybody's Car” weekends put on hold.
 
SPORTS
Paris Awarded 2024 Olympics,
Los Angeles 2028 Olympics

2032 Summer Olympics go to North Pole, 2032 Winter Olympics given to Jamaica.
KIDZ KORNER
In the following statement, can you spot the phrase that doesn't belong?
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell set out his schedule for the rest of August, including on his list:
A )Confirming nominees.
B )Legislation to help veterans.
C )Re-authorizing user fees to fund the Food and Drug Administration.
D )A bold new effort to find bi-partisan consensus on a health care bill.
Hint: don't get sick.
 
LAW
"Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli Found Guilty of Securities Fraud
And all-around repulsiveness.

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