| PEOPLE |
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 Obama Meets
World's Most Interesting Man
“He knew who I was!” squeals an
excited ex-President. |
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| MEDIA |
|
Comey's Testimony Draws
20 Million Daytime Viewers
Holds its own against “Ellen.” |
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| BUSINESS |
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Fox News Drops “Fair and
Balanced” Slogan After Years of Mockery
It's now “The President's Tweets Start Here.” |
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Delta Airlines Pulls Funding for NY
Production of “Julius Caesar” Because
Lead Actor Looks Too Much Like Trump
And guy playing Brutus looks too much
like Rod Rosenstein. |
|
 Amazon Buys
Whole Foods for $13.7 Billion
Promising two-day delivery of artisanal arugula. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Human Head Transplant Surgeon Claims
“Breakthrough” in Rat Experiment
Tells reporters man who received rat's head
lived two weeks |
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Latest Theory: Universe May Be
Conscious, Self-Aware Entity
And worried about complexion, weight. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: Power Leads to
Brain Damage
Absolute power leads to some hilarious tweets. |
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| FITNESS |
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 Iran Bans Zumba as Pornographic
Cleric explains, “I can't describe
pornography, but I know it when I see it.“ |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
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Trump Tells Mayor of Virginia
Island Threatened by Sea Rise
Not to Worry
“Move to a higher floor,” he advises. |
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