| PEOPLE |
 |
 Germany: Merkel Calls for
Ban on Full-Face Veils
In tweet, Trump calls for paper bags
over heads of “fours or less.” |
|
|
 Giuliani Withdraws From
Consideration for Sec. of State
Discovers number of troubling things
while vetting himself. |
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| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Stock Market Soars to
Record Highs
Investors see undreamed-of profits once
they repeal Medicare. |
|
 Hottest Toy
This Shopping Season: Hatchimal
Everyone wants to get their hands on this
living thing that hatches from an egg and
keeps on growing until it eats you out of
house and home. |
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|
| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Global Warming Blamed for
Worst Ever Die-Off of Coral
At Great Barrier Reef
“This is just terrible for my line of coral
jewelry,” says Ivanka Trump. |
| |
| SCIENCE |
|
 Study: Monkeys
Anatomically Capable of Talking, But Lack Brainpower
According to monograph by Koko, the signing gorilla. |
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| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Study: Tennis Leads to Longer Life
Recommends trust funds for everyone so they can afford
to play a lot of tennis. |
|
Religious Thoughts Trigger Same
Reward Centers in Brain as Drugs
Say three Hail Marys, then exhale. |
|
Study: Hypochondriacs More
Likely to Have Health Issues
According to study by United Hypochondriacs
of America. |
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