| PEOPLE |
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 Pope’s Reforms
in “Joy of Love”
Message Presented in Footnotes
If you’re Catholic, unmarried, and own a
magnifying glass, you may have sex. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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173,000 Hyundais Recalled for Power
Steering Circuit Boards That Can Fail
“When Exposed to the Environment”
No need to replace them if you keep your
car in underground garage, never drive it. |
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Volvo Tractor Trucks Have Steering
Wheel Defect That Can Cause
Complete Loss of Control
Also something iffy about the brakes. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Surging Demand for Lithium Batteries
Causes Price of Lithium to Double
Reaction among bipolar community mixed. |
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 Amazon Expands Its Dash
Button With More Products
Besides Trojan condoms, Dash buttons also
available for Thunderbird wine, Kool cigarettes. |
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| SCIENCE |
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 NASA Reestablishes Contact With
Kepler Spacecraft Seeking Life on Other Worlds
Says it's found life on another world and won't
be returning, “over and out.” |
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 Scientists: New
Tree of Life Dominated by Bacteria
The chart itself had to be sprayed with disinfectant. |
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 Stephen Hawking,
Russian Billionaire Plan to Send Tiny Probes
to Alpha Centauri
Hope to make contact with geniuses, billionaires
in another solar system. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: Rich Live Longer Than Poor
But, as they say, anyone in America
can grow up to be really old. |
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Study: Now More Overweight People
in World Than Underweight
And both wish they were the other. |
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