| PEOPLE |
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 Billionaire Fugitive From Justice
John McAfee Says He's Running
for President
In hopes of receiving Secret Service protection. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Some Theaters to Begin Presenting
Hologram Performances
Holograms have smaller entourages,
make fewer backstage demands. |
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| BUSINESS |
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After Federal Probe Revealed, United
Airlines CEO Steps Down, But Will Retain
Parking Privileges for Life
Even while in prison. |
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McDonald's Plans to Use Eggs
From Only Cage-Free Hens
And Big Macs from only happy cows. |
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 Chain of Computerized Automats
With No Servers or Cooks Planned
Providing peek at a future with zero
percent employment. |
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| SCIENCE |
 |
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Remains of
Entirely New Human Ancestor Discovered
New species, new features, new accessories. |
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Elon Musk Proposes Nuking Mars
to Transform Planet's Atmosphere
In short time it could be as hospitable
as Kiev, or Fukushima. |
| |
 Huge Stone
Monument Found Buried Near Stonehenge
Scientists believe they were foundation stones for
vast ancient gift shop. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: Men Who Smoke
Marijuana 45% Less Likely
To Develop Bladder Cancer
Search for downside to cannabis use continues. |
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DoD: Bubonic Plague Bacteria
Accidentally Shipped All Over World
Apologizes for unleashing second Black Death. |
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