| NEW PRODUCTS |
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 Atomic Wristwatch Loses
Only One Second Every 1000 Years!
Never be late again, at least not for another millennium,
as long as you're wearing this cesium-powered beauty.
What about dangerous radiation, you ask? Just $39.95,
at all Soviet Surplus stores. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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By 2030, ¼ of U.S. Licensed Drivers Will
Be Older Than 85
Blind as bats, mostly lost, mad as Hell. |
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| INTERNET |
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Flaw Found in Internet Encryption
Methods, Everyone Urged to
Change Their Passwords
To “swordfish.” |
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FCC Says Website Jerk.com Lists Millions
as Jerks Then Charges Them $25 to
Change Listing to “Not a Jerk”
Jerks happy, get to keep their listing for free. |
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| SPORTS |
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Baseball: Early Season Games
Playing to Sparse Crowds Despite
New Replay Rule That Virtually
Eliminates All Arguments
Or because of it. |
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| RELIGION |
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 Scientists: Papyrus With
Line, “Jesus Said to Them, 'My Wife...'”
Not a Fake
Still testing authenticity of papyrus
where he mentions “my in-laws.” |
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| LEISURE |
|
Study: Online Gamers Not “Anti-
Social Basement-Dwellers” as
Depicted in Pop Culture
They're actually “anti-social penthouse-dwellers”
living in Silicon Valley. |
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“Geocache” First New Word Added
to Scrabble Dictionary in 9 Years
Like most Scrabble words, it has no meaning. |
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| TRAVEL |
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In 2013, Airlines Took Average of 36
Hours to Return Lost Luggage
But you looked great at your wedding in
cut-offs and a tank top. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 Colorado's First
Pot Vending Machine Operational
Not shown: line three miles long waiting to use it. |
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