| PEOPLE |
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 Obama’s Approval Level
Stuck in Low 40’s
May begin oil painting while still in office. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Beverly Hills Mansion, Onetime
Home of William Randolph
Hearst and Marion Davies,
Listed For $135 Million, or For
Lease at $600,000 a Month
If you’re on a budget. |
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Microsoft to Stop Supporting Windows XP,
Users Now On Their Own
But really, they've always been on their own. |
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Bain Capital Buys Manischewitz
Just in time for Passover at the Romneys. |
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| ADVERTISING |
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 Conservatives Angered by Graham
Crackers Ad Featuring Two-Dad Family
Call for boycott, urge campers use
saltines for s'mores. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Sales of Nest Smoke Alarm Halted
Because Devices Don't Go Off in Fire
Other than that, they work just fine. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Scientists Reveal Atomic Clock Three Times More
Accurate Than One Currently in Use
Still, they were half hour late to news
conference announcing discovery. |
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 New Documentary
Claims Sun Revolves Around Earth
It's already raising eyebrows among three and
four-year-olds. |
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 NASA Says Mysterious
Light on Mars Not Sign of Martian Civilization
At best it's sign of one-horse town. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
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Conservative Think Tank: Climate
Change, if Real, Could Be Good for Us
For one thing, we'll all learn how to swim. |
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