| PEOPLE |
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 Jimmy Carter Says He Writes Letters to
Foreign Leaders in Longhand so They
Can't Be Monitored by NSA
Except by NSA drone hovering outside his window. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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4-D Theater With Moving Seats,
Wind, Strobe, Fog, Rain and
Smells to Open in LA
To simulate experience of driving past a
pig farm in a rainstorm. |
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| MEDIA |
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Study: Most Millennials Don't
Watch TV on the TV
Don't even know what a TV is. |
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| BUSINESS |
|
Porsche Recalls All 911 GT3
Sports Cars That Go From
Zero to 60 in 3.3 Seconds
Because they catch fire in 2.2 seconds. |
|
 Candy Crush
Maker's IPO a Big Flop
Those who play the game don't invest,
those who invest don't play the game. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Breakthrough: Einstein's Gravitational
Waves Immediately Following Big Bang
Verified
At your next party just say “ripples in
the space-time continuum” and you'll
sound like you know what you're
talking about. |
|
Discovery of Rings Around
Asteroid Choriklo “Extremely
Surprising” to Astronomers
Not so surprising to Chorikloans. |
| |
 Two More Giant Pharaoh Statues
Unveiled in Egypt
An expedition is immediately dispatched
from London to steal them for the British Museum. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: Daylight Saving Time
Linked to Heart Attacks
Suggests those at risk of heart attack
turn their clocks back one hour. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Kraft Adds “Proprietary, Unnamed
Ingredient” to Individually Wrapped
Cheese Slices
Hint: it's not cheese. |
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