| PEOPLE |
 |
 Times
Square's “Naked Cowboy”
Turns Down Six-Figure Offer From
Hanes
Says he wants to be recognized
for his music. |
|
|
McCain Says He Hopes Fidel
Dies Soon
But admits he's too old to dance on his grave. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
80,000 Have Put Down
Deposits on $200,000 Tickets for
Five Minutes in Space on Virgin Galactic
Proving there's a rich sucker born every minute. |
|
Preschoolers Show Preference
For Burgers, Fries in McDonald's Wrappers
Also prefer taste of wrappers. |
|
 Global
Recession Being Felt Elsewhere
Retail sales are down on Venus,
Mars (shown). |
|
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Expert Predicts Machines Will
Match Man by 2029
Unless we unplug them. |
|
Archaeologists Find Proof of
Deity Predating Zeus
Outraged Zeus worshippers call assertion “blasphemy.” |
| |
 As
Climate Warms, Lower
Third of U.S. Could Be
Overrun by Giant Pythons
Plan accordingly. |
|
|
| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Report: Diet Sodas Make You
Fatter
Beauty creams make you uglier. |
|
Study: Moderately Happy
Achieve More, Live Longer
Than Extremely Happy
Extremely happy live longer, achieve more than
deliriously ecstatic. |
| |
| RELIGION |
|
Vatican Toughens Rules on
Sainthood
Pope to build 700-mile fence around
heaven. |
|
