| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 Fed Giving $354 Million to
NYC to Get Traffic Moving
Most of it will go to louder car horns. |
|
| |
| EDUCATION |
| |
U.S. Drops Out of
International Student Math and Science
Competition
Enters International Student Chutes and
Ladders competition. |
| |
| CONSUMER NEWS |
|
Mattel Recalls Second
Toy in Two Months
“Recall-Me Barbie” comes with
her own class action lawsuit form. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Analysis: NBA Ref Scandal
Unprecedented
It would be as if the maker of electronic
voting machines donated heavily to a
particular candidate or party. |
|
 State
Dept. Taps Baseball Great Cal
Ripken as Roving Goodwill
Ambassador
He'll travel around the globe
good-naturedly deflecting
questions about Iraq, torture,
Darfur, AIDS, starvation,
immigration, genocide. |
|
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| Seismic activity, cited
in the recent Utah mine
disaster by mine owner
Robert Murray is: |
| A ) | an
act of God. |
| B ) | an
attack on America by
aliens from the planet
Seismo. |
| C ) | a
dangerous mining
technique in which the
last columns of coal
which are holding up the
mine are mined as the
miners leave, causing
the vacated areas to
collapse. |
| Hint: the technique
is perfectly safe for
mine owners. |
|
| Since there
are so few of them left,
a single bluefin tuna
sells for $100,000. This
means that the remaining
bluefin: |
| A ) | are
fiercely protected by
international laws. |
| B ) | are
being transported to
protected areas on Mars. |
| C ) | are
being pursued and
slaughtered more
relentlessly than ever. |
| Hint: you can spend
some of the $100,000 on
scouting planes and
helicopters, and still
make money. |
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