| PEOPLE |
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FBI Releases
Last Files on John Lennon
Still won't unseal files
on Groucho Marx. |
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Dr. Kevorkian to Be Released
From Prison
Has already received job
offer from pound. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Treasury Mulls Getting Rid of Penny
Bottom line: costs a nickel to make one. |
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IBM Announces New High-
Performance Chip
Makes video games slightly more realistic
than reality. |
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Adjustments to Your Portfolio
for 2007 |
| |
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Ski Resort
Real Estate: |
sell |
| |
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Beach Front
Properties: |
sell |
| |
|
Snow
Removal Equipment Makers: |
sell |
| |
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Camel
Futures: |
buy |
| |
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Fish
Processing Companies: |
sell |
| |
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Chinese
Mutual Funds: |
buy |
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| SCIENCE |
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Giant Ice Shelf Breaks
Free at North Pole
Public advised to remain calm, but move
inland a couple of miles. |
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Scientists Create Molecule-
Sized Lock
Evil scientists create atom-sized key. |
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| |
Space
Telescope Launched to
Hunt for Earth-Like Planets
Launch date moved up due to
increased sense of urgency. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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1 in 14 Teens Report Using
Cold Medicine “Recently”
Manufacturers cite really bad flu season. |
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| CORRECTION |
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| We mistakenly reported that the EPA is
enforcing severe penalties on thousands of
factory farms for fouling the air and water
with animal excrement, amounting to
$27,500 a day for past and future violations.
In fact, the EPA is exempting the factory
farms from those penalties. We apologize
for the confusion. |
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