| WHAT THEY WERE
THINKING |
| |
 |
| Scott
McClellan (left), Karl Rove (center),
Dan Bartlett (right), White House Press Room,
March 21, 2006. |
|
| McClellan:
"The President had just called on veteran UPI reporter
Helen Thomas for the first time in three years and I
was bracing for her question." |
| Rove:
"Helen Thomas had just asked the President a very
pointed question about his reason for going to war
and I was nervously awaiting his reply." |
| Bartlett:
"The President was in the process of successfully
evading an accusatory question by Helen Thomas
and I was about to utter a big sigh of relief." |
|
| |
| BUSINESS |
 |
U.S. Gives No-Bid Contract to
Hong Kong Company to Detect
Nukes Coming to U.S.
Because communists are better than Islamic
extremists at protecting our ports. |
| |
| FEATURE |
 |
| Responding to
grave threats to democracy
as we know it, Congress is now preparing: |
| A ) |
hearings on illegal spying, searches
and seizures secretly authorized by the President. |
| B ) |
an investigation into the illegal use of
torture by the military and the CIA. |
| C ) |
Constitutional Amendments to ban
flag-burning and gay marriage. |
| Hint: This isn't
about some quaint legalism, this is about
fundamental values! |
|
|
|
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Prediction: Due to Pollution,
Telescopes Will Be
Worthless by 2050
Binoculars worthless by 2075. |
|
 Physicists Find
Evidence Universe
Created in One-Trillionth
of a Second After "Big
Bang"
Shown: universe today
(photo courtesy parallel
universe). |
|
| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Study: Omega-3 Fatty Acids
Don't Help Heart Health, As
Previously Believed
Public advised to eat whatever the hell
they want until further notice. |
|
Older Women Who Watch
Daytime Talk Shows Score
Lower on Mental Tests
But higher than people on daytime talk shows. |
|
Latest Study Suggests Memory Loss For
Marijuana Users, Contradicting Previous
Study Which Found None
Test subjects say more testing needed. |
| |
| CORRECTION |
| In
a recent feature we reported that major
newspapers and TV news shows had seized
upon the third anniversary of our invasion of
Iraq to conduct a thorough review of their
coverage of the lead-up to the war. We said that
many had offered sincere apologies for reporting
which was lazy, uncritical, and
well below the minimum standards of
professional journalism. In fact, no reviews
were conducted or apologies offered. We
regret any confusion caused by our mistake. |
|
|
