| PEOPLE |
 |
 |
Miss
Afghanistan Chosen
She'll make world
goodwill tour, then
return to Kabul to be
stoned to death. |
|
|
 |
Woody Allen: Marriage to Soon-Yi
Feels “More Paternal”
Only appears “more incestuous.” |
|
|
| MEDIA |
|
Al Jazeera to Begin English-
Language Broadcasts
Network holding auditions for “sultry blondes
who can read.” |
|
Bill Requiring News Shows to
Identify Fake News Stories Produced by
Gov't Watered Down by Senators
Fear legislation would drive Fox News out
of business. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Wal-Mart Mounts Multi-Million
Dollar Effort to Improve Image
Paid for with savings from low wages,
meager health plan. |
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Astronomers Detect Light From
Beginning of Universe
Hope to decipher opening credits. |
| |
Archeologist: King Tut
Drank Red Wine
Amenhotep preferred a dry sherry followed
by a pitcher of Bahama Mamas. |
|
Military Attempting to
Control Weather
Should be “a cakewalk,” says
Rumsfeld. |
| |
 U.S. Acts to Halt
Spread Of Bird Flu
Closes borders to all
migratory birds, posts
signs (above) at entry
points. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Study: Smoking Can Lower IQ,
Thinking Ability
To the point where – despite evidence
they'll die slow, painful death –
subjects continue to smoke. |
|
White House Issues Emergency
Bird Flu Guidelines
Advises public to hoard vaccine, shoot
those who try to steal it. |
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