| IRONIC
TIMES EXCLUSIVE |
NEW DOCUMENT EMERGES IN
BOLTON PROBE:
Behavior
Warning: Johnny
Bolton
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bolton,
Johnny is really one of
the brightest students in
the 3rd grade when he
applies himself, but he
continues to kick, punch,
threaten and harass
smaller, younger boys and
girls during recess, in
spite of repeated
attempts by teachers and
administrators to stop
it. The only children who
are safe from Johnny's
bullying are the older,
bigger boys with whom he
curries favor. Just last
week he chased a second
grade girl through the
halls, screaming at her.
She was forced to flee
into the girls' bathroom,
where Johnny was found
pounding on the door,
shouting threats. By the
way, do you have any idea
why he's running for
student council after
calling the student
council "a big bag
of stinky dog poo"?
Sincerely,
William Johnson,
Vice Principal |
|
|
| |
| SPORTS |
 |
New American Owner Orders
Manchester United Players to Wear
Helmets, Shoulder Pads
And take steroids. |
|
| PICTURE OF THE WEEK |
|
 Three
Years After Fall
of Taliban, Signs Of
Progress for Women
In Afghanistan
Young woman (right)
lifts veil and smiles at
camera. (Later, she was
stoned to death.) |
|
| |
| ACADEMIA |
|
Carnegie Mellon Offers
Masters in Gaming
Establishes endowed chair in Grand Theft Auto
studies. |
| |
| POLITICS |
| Signs The
Next Supreme Court
Justice Might Be a
Religious Conservative |
| 1. | First
majority opinion delivered in tongues. |
| 2. | Frequent
breaks from oral arguments for snake
handling. |
| 3. | Signals
agreement with other justices by falling
to floor, rolling around. |
4. | Signals
dissent by holding up Bible, shouting,
“Get thee behind me, Satan!” |
| 5. | Cites
all precedents from Leviticus. |
|
|
|
|
