| SPORTS |
 |
 |
National
Curling League Signs $6
Billion Deal With
Networks, ESPN
Will fill void left by
hockey. |
|
|
Study: Small Children Can't
Hit Slow Pitches, Due to Brain
Processing Required
Conclusion: stick with curves,
change-ups, stay away from fast balls,
which they murder. |
| |
| LIFESTYLE |
|
Fewer Traffic Deaths in L.A. Since Wave
of Freeway Shootings Began
Terrified drivers more courteous, alert. |
|
School for Prostitutes Opens
In San Francisco
“Whore College” offers degrees
in law, business, politics. |
| |
| TRENDS |
|
Latest Trend: Cosmetic
Surgery for Pets
Barbarians will arrive to sack our cities
shortly. |
| |
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| The results of the Army's
recently completed investigation into human
rights abuses at Abu Ghraib by the Army were: |
| A ) | Nobody
in the Army did anything wrong. |
| B ) | The
higher in the chain of command, the
more blameless the Army officers. |
| C ) | The
Army is a fine, fine institution, and you really
should join up. |
| (Hint: Do you have any idea
how much you could get as a signing bonus?) |
|
|
|
| |
| POLITICS |
 |
|
Schwarzenegger's Popularity
Fading in California
Majority now say they want
him deported. |
|
|
