| |
BUSH FALLS
OFF BIKE AGAIN
This time he's
roughed up by a small
crowd that had gathered. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
 |
Abu Ghraib Prison to Be
Destroyed
In its place, 156 two and three-bedroom
luxury condominiums surrounding an
18-hole championship golf course designed
by Jack Nicklaus. |
|
Rumsfeld Acts to Bring Order,
Discipline to Out-of-Control
Situation in Iraq
Bans camera phones on military bases. |
|
Al Qaeda Reports Record
Number of Applicants
Percentage admitted “about the same
as Yale,” says a spokesman. |
| |
| MISCELLANEOUS |
|
 |
Bozo Elected
to Clown Hall of Fame
“What the hell took
so long?” he asks in a
lengthy, profanity-laced acceptance
speech. |
|
|
|
| U. S. NEWS |
|
Americans Divided on Who
Should Pay For War in Iraq
52% say children, 48% say
grandchildren. |
|
Bush Wins “Regular Guy”
Poll Over Kerry
Kerry tops Bush in “Aloof
Intellectual” survey. |
| |
Bush Reassures
Nation With Five-Point Strategy for
Success in Iraq
1. Attack Sunni civilian
areas in Falluja.
2. Damage Shiite holy
sites in Najaf.
3. Give new oil contracts
to Halliburton.
4. Torture prisoners,
enrage world.
5. Betray Kurds, start
civil war. |
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FBI Statistics: Violent Crimes
Down, Homicides Up
Murderers credit increased productivity. |
|
Report: Many in U.S. in Denial
About Being Overweight
Not you, of course - everybody else. |
| |
| POLITICS |
|
Bush Hopes to Get Jewish Vote
Despite his belief that they're all going to Hell. |
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