Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – APRIL 5 - 11, 2004
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PEOPLE
"Alias" Star Jennifer Garner Featured in CIA Recruiting Video
“I'm not a covert agent working for the overthrow of democratically elected regimes, but I play one on TV,” she says.
ENTERTAINMENT
Networks to Put All Programming
On a Delay

Will edit out, compile indecent material, then offer it as “The DVD everybody’s been waiting for!”
Hollywood: Another Remake
Of King Kong Announced

This one will be from the ape's perspective.
 
BUSINESS
Shamed By Scandals, Job
Losses, CEOs Shun Stock
Options in Pay Packages

Instead, they're accepting higher salaries, larger cash bonuses.
 
CURRENCY
Schwarzenegger Introduces New California Quarter
Winning design depicts muscle beach, first Austrian settlers, and the adult film industry.
SCIENCE
Report: Many Earth-Like
Planets in Our Galaxy

All capable of supporting self-destructive idiots.
Brain Enzyme May Regulate Weight
AMPK speeds messages from Aw, Go Ahead, You Only Live Once lobe.
 
Study: Male Monkeys Think Carefully About Mating Choices
They have a 10-banana rating system for females, say researchers.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
FDA Suppressed Evidence of Suicidal Side Effects of Antidepressants
Accepted industry contention that “shit happens.”
Caffeine, TV Keeping Children Up Later, Says Study
Networks commit to run more late-night cartoon shows.
 
FINANCIAL PLANNING
Paying for Your Child's College Education
Tip # 1: As soon as your child is born, establish a College Savings Account and make small but regular contributions by robbing a bank once a month.

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