Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MARCH 8 - 14, 2004
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ENTERTAINMENT
Pirated Copies of The Passion of the Christ Selling Briskly
Particularly among born-again crooks.
Canadian Documentary Portrays Bin Laden As Well-Meaning Family Man Who Has Trouble Controlling His Kids
“8,000 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughters” expected to garner high ratings.
Ellen DeGeneres Leads
Daytime Emmy Nominations

Bush proposes constitutional amendment to prevent her from winning.
 
BUSINESS
Survey: 58% of American Workers Want Better Jobs
But moving to India is just too expensive.
McDonald’s Drops
Supersized Portions

Times move with “Two-for-the-Price-of-One” promotion.
Volvo Unveils First Car Designed “By Women For Women”
Steering is voice-controlled from the passenger seat.
SCIENCE
Another Branch of Human
Ancestors Reported

Primitive hominids lived in what is now Ethiopia 5½ million years ago, or they never existed, depending on your high school science curriculum.
Mars Once Had Water, Says NASA
Rovers find remnants of beach towels, sunscreen, Jackie Collins novels.
 

MOST DISTANT
GALAXY DISCOVERED
In Abel 1835 IR1916, they're watching new episodes of I Love Lucy for the first time.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Pfizer Gives Up Testing
Viagra on Women

“We couldn't even get to first base with them,” says a spokesman.
Study: Nicotine Helps Fight Alzheimer’s, Depression
When used in conjunction with heavy drinking and a high-fat diet.
Survey: Americans Getting
Bigger, Taller, Heavier

And dumber.

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