DICK CLARK ENLISTS
America's oldest teenager wants
to “kick can in
Afghanistan.” |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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U.S. Asks India, Pakistan,
Israel,
Palestinians to Make Peace
Fighting interfering with war. |
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Bayer Agrees to Lower Price
of Cipro
But raises price of anthrax. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Pony Express, Western Union
Stocks Hot Again
Morse code, smoke signal companies also
hit new highs. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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Smoking Pot No
Longer Illegal in England
But smokers must wear
identifying tattoo. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Antiterrorism Bill Passes,
Immediately Becomes Law
Those who voted against it are jailed. |
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FBI Considering Truth Serum for
Questioning Terrorist Suspects
Washington Post considering it for
questioning military spokesmen. |
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Serious Crime Down
Silly crime up. |
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REMINDER
It's
still safe to- oops, no
it's not. |
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Arizona Man Arrested
Under Antiterrorism Law
Suspected of rooting against Yankees. |
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Florida Votes For School
Prayer
Because it's working so well in Pakistan. |
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Bush Doesn't Know Why
America is Hated
“And,” say aides, “he
doesn't want to know.” |
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Nation Officially Returns to
Normal
O.J. Simpson acquitted. |
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