| PEOPLE |
 HEMINGWAY
LOOK-ALIKES GATHER
Proud “Papa”
imposters get together
for an evening of
drinking, bullfighting, and
suicide. |
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| SPORTS |
 |
China Preparing to Host
Olympics
Executing all “wrong-doers.” |
|
American Youth Sports
Association
Issues New Guidelines for Parents:
1) Sit down. 2) Shut up. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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August Issue of Consumer
Reports Recalled
Some testers received paper cuts when
trying to browse magazine. |
| |
| PICTURE OF THE
WEEK |
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TRAGEDY
AVERTED
Giggling Chinese couple
prevents leaning tower of
Pisa from toppling. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS ... |
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West Nile Fever Spreads to
Florida
No cure for deadly virus,
nation doomed. |
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| SPECIAL TO
IRONIC TIMES: |
In Defense of
the
Death Penalty
by
President George W. Bush |
| Thank you for allowing my opinions to be
published somewhere besides The
Washington Times. |
| First of all, the death penalty deters
others from committing murder. There
isn't one person in this country
who, after witnessing an execution, would
run out and kill someone. They'd
have to be crazy, or stupid. |
| Secondly, most people on death row are
definitely guilty. Every day the small
number of innocent people who are on
death row is being reduced by new DNA
evidence, or by execution. And to those
who say that states with the death
penalty have a higher murder rate, I say:
Don't forget to subtract the ones
murdered by the state, which brings the
total down considerably. |
| Finally, our allies in Europe are upset
with us for continuing this so-called
“barbaric” practice, but
believe me, if they had our murder rate
they'd be stringin' 'em up
in the streets like Christmas lights.
Once again, thank you. |
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