Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DECEMBER 25 - 31, 2023
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PEOPLE
Revealed: Mike Johnson Attended “Purity Ball” Where Teenage Daughters Sign Pledge to Their
Fathers Never to Have Sex Before Marriage
Fathers must also sign pledge to never have sex with their daughters.
Report: Clarence Thomas
Wanted More Money,
Considered Quitting Court

Fortunately, some extremely kind and generous Good Samaritans offered to help him, and now it's all good.
 
BUSINESS
Trademark Lawsuit Might
End 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS
Commercials

Enjoy them while you still can.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Vase Bought at Goodwill for $3.99 Sold for $107,000
To the very same person who sold it to Goodwill in the first place.
SCIENCE
Study: ChatGPT, Mirroring Humans, Less Productive in December
Complains of fatique, difficulty concentrating, needs some time off.
 
TECHNOLOGY
World's First AI-Controlled
Autonomous Restaurant to
Open in California

“It'll be like sitting inside a vending machine,” says owner.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Americans Getting
Shorter, Heavier

But also funnier, more adorable.
New Robotic Tail for Humans Now in Clinical Trials
Inventor looks to future “when we can all climb trees like monkeys, hop around like kangaroos.”
 
STORY OF THE YEAR
SUPREME COURT TO DETERMINE HUMANKIND'S FUTURE
After holiday break.

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