Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – SEPTEMBER 12 - 18, 2022
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NEW PRODUCTS
  Superrich Building Lavish
Bunkers to Protect Themselves
From Coming Apocalypse

Shown: Entryway to Grand Ballroom in 36,000 square foot Versailles model. Only $10.5M from Apocalypse Now!
 
LEXICOLOGY
Merriam-Webster Adds
“Dumbphone,” “Adorkable,”
and “Metaverse”

Removes “telephone,” “cute,” and “reality.”
 
MISCELLANEOUS
New Yorkers With Marijuana
Convictions First to Get
Dispensary Licenses

However, convicted drunk drivers still can't get liquor store licenses.
 
SPORTS
MLB Announces Rules
Changes: Larger Bases, Pitch
Clock, Fewer Delays

And, for first time in major league history, a limit on spitting.
FEATURE
Of the 70 million Americans working remotely, what percentage say they want to return to the office full time?
   A )  85%  
   B )  79%  
   C )  65%  
   D )  6%  
Hint: 94% say they'd rather be home watching “The Office”"
 
CRIME
Among Materials Seized at Mar-a-Lago: 90 Empty Folders
Trump: “Obviously planted, why the hell would I steal empty folders?”
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Collapse of Antarctica's “Doomsday Glacier” Could Raise Sea Levels by Several Feet
Submerging islands, flooding coastal cities, and generating some really gnarly waves.

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