| PEOPLE |
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 Kid Rock Says Trump
Asked for His Advice on North Korea and Isis
And followed it to the letter. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Oscars May Not Be on
Network TV for Long
Maybe one, two more years before
it's replaced by the Razzies. |
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| ART |
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Analysis of Mona Lisa's Face
Reveals She's 83% Happy, 9%
Disgusted, 6% Fearful, 2% Angry
And 100% sick of sitting in one
spot for the better part of a day. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Zoom Adds Cute Animated
Avatars for Group Meetings
They even masturbate. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Study: Orangutans Use Slang to
Show Off How “Cool” They Are
It's the hip orangutan who gets the banana. |
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 Planned Utopian Metaverse
City Will Have Almost No Rules
Only rule: residents must be lonely,
pathetic losers who live with their
parents. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Male Contraceptive Pill
Proves 99% Effective at
Preventing Pregnancy
When taken before having sex. |
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 Start-Up to Make
Actual Physical Pain Part of Metaverse
So, when your avatar realizes life in the
metaverse sucks and smacks his forehead,
you'll feel it. |
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