Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 16 - 22, 2019
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NEW PRODUCTS
'TIS the Season
to be merry with Chistmas-themed drug humor sweaters for kids. In small, medium, and large; cocaine (shown), meth, and fentanyl. $39 and up, at Walmart (unless someone complains and they've been removed).
 
TECHNOLOGY
9 In 10 Americans Have Been Victimized by an Online Scam
Those not victimized considered “persons of interest.”'
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Study: Avoiding Sweet Treats Can Keep Away Holiday Blues
But who are we kidding?
Study: Playing Drums Changes
Your Brain Structure

And your neighbors' as well.
 
SPORTS
Report: Runners Wearing New Nike Shoes Run 5% Faster Than Those Wearing Average Running Shoe
Felons elude capture by police 5% more often wearing them.
FEATURE
With the federal debt soaring, what would each American have to contribute to pay it off?
  A ) $182
  B ) $589
  C ) $1,316
  D ) $65,600
Hint: you'd have to put off buying that Escalade.
 
POLITICS
Fox News Poll: 54% Favor Impeachment
“54% of the people are HUMAN SCUM!” tweets Trump.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Mansion Depicted on "Beverly Hillbillies" Sold for Record $150 Million
Comes complete with basement still, chicken coop, and Max Baer, Jr, who lives somewhere on the property.

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