| ADVERTISING |
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Major Brands Switching From Human
to Computer-Generated Influencers
Humans want to be paid. |
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| TECHNOLOGY |
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Study: Gender Gap in
Computer Science Research
Won't Close for 100 Years
When we're all replaced by genderless robots. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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Senators Briefed on
Recent UFO Sightings
After closed door vote it's decided Sens.
Graham, Inhofe will begin training for
trip to Andromeda Galaxy. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Report: Young People Developing Horns
From Excessive Cellphone Use
Unrelated report finds excessive cellphone use
causing young people to get horny. |
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| SPORTS |
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 Iditarod Gets
Off to Slow Start
Race may take a bit longer this year. |
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| FEATURE |
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| Why did Trump's plan to begin deporting
millions of men, women and children suddenly
get put on hold? |
| A ) | He never planned
on doing it — he just wanted to terrify the undocumented
to amuse his base. |
| B ) | Nancy Pelosi told
him it would be “brutal” and “heartless”
and he couldn't help but agree with her. |
| C ) | He's worried about
his poll numbers so he didn't attack Iran, he didn't break
up millions of families, and he made himself available for
a sit-down interview with Chuck Todd. |
| D ) | He announced his
plan to the press, but he never issued any orders,
so there was no money, no manpower, no facilities, no
protocol, no plan, no nothing. |
| Hint: yes. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
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 Project to
Scan Universe for Signs of Intelligent Life
Comes Up Empty
Will start looking for signs of blithering
idiots, nincompoops. |
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