| PEOPLE |
 |
 Book: Barbara Bush
Blamed Heart Attack on Trump, Kept
“Trump Countdown Clock”
by Her Bedside
Alongside picture of Kathy Griffin holding up
Trump's bloody head. |
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 Trump Again
Wrongly Claims His Father Was Born in Germany
Poll: 82% of Republicans believe his father
was born in Germany. |
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| BUSINESS |
|
Trump Supporters Create Website for
MAGA-Friendly Restaurants
Recommends any establishment with words
“Cracker” and “Barrel” in its name. |
|
 Short Story
Vending Machines Make Their Debut
Could signal the end of the novel. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
Mars Mysteriously Producing Methane
From Unknown Source
Old men eating beans around a campfire has been ruled out. |
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Windmills Cause Cancer,
Claims President
And nobody knows more about windmills. |
| |
 Fossil of Ancient Four-Legged
Whale With Hooves Discovered
Lived at a time before whale racing considered cruel. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Survey: Americans Borrowed
$88 Billion to Pay for Health
Care in 2018
Which they'll pay back over the next 150 years. |
|
Study: Just Being Reminded of Coffee
Increases Alertness, Attention
Unless it's decaf. |
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