| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 Trump Ordered
Official Inauguration Photograph
Cropped to Exclude Empty Spaces
And had hundreds of Russians photoshopped out. |
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| |
| CRIME |
|
 Dorothy's Stolen
Ruby Slippers From Wizard of
Oz Found by FBI After 13 Years
And an exhaustive witch hunt. |
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| |
| SPORTS |
|
Colin Kaepernick Featured
In New Nike Ad Campaign
Their first for knee pads. |
|
 Orioles Become
First Team to Wear Braille Lettering on Uniforms
It will help umpires tell one player from another. |
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| FEATURE |
| |
Outgoing Message
of the Week
“Hello! You've reached the Social Security
Administration. Unfortunately no one is available
to take your call, as the administration has
slashed the number of workers by more than 10%.
We could tell you by how much more than 10%,
but there aren't enough workers left to find out.
Also, union protections have been gutted and
morale here is at an all-time low. So if you have a
problem with your Social Security check, or any other
problem, good luck! You can leave a message with us,
but nobody will read or listen to it, so don't bother.” |
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| |
| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 According to
The New York Times, Donald Trump's
Response to 9/11 Attacks Was to Claim
(Falsely) That His Building Had Just
Become Tallest in Lower Manhattan
And that people looking to relocate offices
destroyed in the attacks could find
great deals there. |
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