| PEOPLE |
 |
| Huxley-Orwell Debate
Considered |
 Over:
Both Were Right
Everyone is happily sedated, and under
constant surveillance. |
|
| |
| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
Rolling Stone Publishes Sean Penn
Interview With El Chapo Guzman, Who
Wanted to Make Movie About Himself
Working title: Get Shorty II. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Monthly Consumer Sentiment
Index Released
Public has gone from mildly nostalgic to
morbidly melancholic. |
|
Chipotle's Strategy to Win Back
Customers: Free Burritos
So far, no takers. |
|
 Ringling Bros. Circus
Retiring All Their Elephants to Florida
Koko the Signing Gorilla, Shamu call
decision “commendable, but long overdue.” |
|
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Detection of Gravitational Waves,
Ripples in Space-Time Continuum,
Have Cosmologists All Agog
If true, it would confirm Einstein's Theory
of Relativity and spawn dozens of new
time travel movies. |
|
Periodic Table Welcomes
Four New Elements
Emojium, Santorium, Affluenzium, Twerkium. |
| |
 Manatee
May Lose Endangered
Species Protection
Poach, add lemon and butter, sprinkle with parsley. |
|
|
| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Study: Students Who Stand Rather
Than Sit Learn More, Perform Better
Preparing them for cushy jobs where they
sit more, perform worse. |
|
 Army Looking
for Volunteers to Eat Nothing But
MREs for 21 Days
Applicants must be in good health with
less than six months to live. |
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