| PEOPLE |
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 Palins Visit
Chick-fil-A in Support of Homophobic CEO
And because Cracker Barrel was closed. |
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| BUSINESS |
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At Least $21 Trillion Hidden
Offshore by World's Wealthy,
Says New Study
Much of it earmarked to get Romney elected. |
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Stock Market Roiled by Wild Fluctuations
From High-Speed Computer-Driven Trades
Which prompts wild fluctuations in mattress prices. |
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 Former Citigroup
CEO “Sandy” Weill, Who
Pushed for Dismantling of Glass-Steagall,
Calls for Its Return
All that money he made has been bothering him. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Article in Nature Predicts Imminent,
Irreversible Planetary Collapse
Full year subscriptions no longer available. |
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China Matches Europe With 7.2
Tons of CO2 Per Person in 2011
But U.S. still champ at 17.3 tons per person. |
| |
 Physicists See
More Proof Higgs Boson Exists
For one thing, t-shirt sales are through the roof. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: We Believe We're Losing Weight
When We're Actually Gaining
Also, we think we're getting smarter when we're
actually fucking idiots. |
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| LIFESTYLE |
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Labor Dept. Finds Old People, High
School Dropouts Watch the Most TV
Elderly high school dropouts only
watch TV. |
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