| PEOPLE |
 |
 Henry Kissinger
Given Pat-Down Search at LaGuardia
All they find is some Viagra. |
|
|
Poll: George W. Bush Judged Most
Unpopular Living President
After respondents informed Herbert Hoover dead. |
| |
| MEDIA |
|
Study: 70% of All Political
Ads Negative
Other 30% backed losing candidates. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Europe Rescues Spain's Banks
With American-Style $125
Billion Bailout Deal
Banks' top executives expected to give
themselves huge bonuses, gamble away
what's left on risky derivatives. |
|
Wall Street Traders Switching
From Fiber-Optic Cables to
Slightly Faster Microwaves
Could shave milliseconds off time
before next financial meltdown. |
|
 Meg Whitman
to Cut 27,000 Jobs at HP
Leaving just her. |
|
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| SCIENCE |
|
CDC Issues Statement That
Zombies Do Not Exist
Despite numerous sightings in halls of Congress. |
|
Archeologists Discover
Shakespeare's Pre-Globe
Theater Beneath Trendy Pub
Pub owners plan to rip it out, put in something trendy. |
| |
 Bones
of Prehistoric Mammoth Found in
Iowa Family's Backyard
Family denies any knowledge of how bones
got there. |
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| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
CDC: More Teens Smoke
Pot Than Cigarettes
“We must do more,” says
spokesman for Philip Morris. |
|
FDA: High Fructose Corn
Syrup Cannot Be Renamed
“Corn Sugar”
Instead it will be marketed as “I Can't
Believe It's Not Allowed to Be Called Sugar.” |
|
