| BUSINESS |
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 Condos in
Bomb-Proof Missile Silo Reportedly Sold Out
Buyers see it as great place to raise family of paranoids. |
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Facebook IPO Flops
Investors feel price too high for company that
makes nothing, does nothing, earns nothing. |
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Despite Huge Trading Losses, Dimon
Retains Job at JPMorgan Chase
Because who could have guessed that
European bonds would lose market value? |
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| PUBLISHING |
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X-Men Comic Features
Gay Wedding
Edition sold in some states changes
wedding to civil union. |
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| TECHNOLOGY |
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 Report: Google's
Street View Cars Have Been Surreptitiously Gathering
Personal Data
Company says it has no immediate plans to
blackmail everyone on Earth. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Consumer Mood Improves as
Gas Prices Fall
Consumers left with more
money for beer, pot, meds, meth. |
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| SPORTS |
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Study: 11% of Americans Call in
Sick to Watch Sporting Event
Then actually get sick when boss sees their
great catch of foul ball that night on ESPN. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
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 Vial of Ronald
Reagan's Blood Goes Up for Auction
Perfect for the man who has everything but
needs to pass a drug test. |
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