| PEOPLE |
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DNA Tests
Reveal Hitler Had Jewish
Ancestry
Ahmadinejad: “Hitler's no more
Jewish than I am.” |
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McChrystal
Takes Teaching Job at
Yale
Describes new boss as
“Ivy League
asshole.” |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Porn Goes 3-D Imax
Ad boasts “Puts the 'imax' back in
climax.” |
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| BUSINESS |
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Investors Avoiding Stocks
Putting their money in more secure
get-rich-quick schemes. |
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Most Recalled Eggs Will be
Reprocessed, Used in Manufacture of
Cookies, Cakes, Ice Cream
Bon appetit! |
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 Christmas
Shopping Season Begins in England
Many jam stores to avoid last-minute rush. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Astronomer: Intelligent Life
Will Be Detected Within 25 Years
Or he'll eat his hat. |
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10,000-Year-Old Skeleton
Retrieved From Mexican Cave
Was part of drug-related gang war. |
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 Giant
Boot Print Discovered on
Mars
Scientists waiting for
other boot to fall. |
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Orbiting Telescope Detects
Distant Planet Very Similar to Our Own
At precisely same moment telescope
orbiting distant planet very similar to
our own detects distant planet very
similar to their own and yet less
civilized, more immature. |
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Existence of Giant Super Star
Challenges Black Hole Theory
Opens whole new can of wormholes. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Yoga May Ward Off Some
Diseases
Almost as beneficial as drinking wine. |
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