| NEW PRODUCTS |
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Disney
Cellphone Tracks
Children, Limits Access
Allows children unlimited
access to Disney promos,
Disney commercials,
Disney movie trailers. |
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| SPORTS |
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Baseball: Steroids Scandal
Distracts From Other Aspects of Game
Like amphetamines, gambling, chewing
tobacco. |
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| KIDZ KORNER |
Write
Your Own News Story! Just
fill in the blanks on
this Reusable News
Template!
Former Congressional
leader, ______ (R-__),
announced today he will
not seek reelection.
______ is facing multiple
federal corruption
charges, and his approval
rating had recently
fallen to a new low of
__% in his own district.
He denies _____ing ______,
insists he never ______
with Jack Abramoff, but
does not wish to become a
distraction for the
party. The announcement
follows plea agreements
by ____ and _____, who
served _______ as top aides.
Once feared and hated for
______, he has lately
found God, according to
friends and family. |
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| It's perfectly OK
that President Bush
authorized Scooter Libby
to break the law by
leaking classified
information to the press
because: |
| A ) | he
was under strict orders
from Emperor Zorn,
Ultimate Ruler of the
Inter-Galactic
Confederation of Free
Solar Systems, acting
according to the
provisions of the Treaty
of Plembar-9, signed by
the United States in the
year 8146, applicable
both forward and
backwards in time, to
leak the information. |
| B ) | he
asked his Magic 8-Ball if
it was OK, and it said
“yes.” |
| C ) | he's
Commander-In-Chief and
can do anything he wants
to do. |
Hint: If all choices
seem equally
plausible, you can choose “all
of the above.” |
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| ART |
|
 Whistler's
Mother Dropped From Updated College Perennial
History of Art
Editors replace classic portrait (above) with one
of Whistler's mistress, which shows more cleavage. |
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