| PEOPLE |
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 Mishap of Historic
Proportions at Reenactment
Of Hamilton-Burr Duel
Hamilton lives, goes on to establish
sprawling government bureaucracy
beholden to wealthy industrialists. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Emmy Nominations Announced
After Year of Mostly Reality Shows
Actors, directors, writers will be used
as seat fillers. |
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Networks in Heated Battle Over
Similar Boxing Shows
NBC says "The Contender" came before
Fox’s "The Next Great Champ," but there’s
also: "Who Wants to Be a Heavyweight
Champ" (ABC); "Trading Sparring Partners"
(CBS); "Queer Street for the Straight Guy"
(BRAVO); "Win Mike Tyson’s Money"
(Lifetime); and "Celebrity Cut Man" (UPN). |
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| ADVERTISING |
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Slim-Fast Drops
Foul-Mouthed Whoopi Goldberg
Replaces her with Dick Cheney. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Researchers Complete First
Dog Genome Sequence
Earn a treat. |
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New York Times: Collapse
of Earth's Magnetic Field Accelerating
Could affect millions of refrigerator
magnets, Wooly Willy toys. |
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 Construction
Nearly Completed On Time
Tunnel
When operational, it will
provide a portal to the
past, or future,
depending on what you can
afford. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Red Wine Pills Promise Longer
Life
They'll be available in three varieties:
"moody," "complex,"
and "fruity with a hint of
oak." |
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| CORRECTION |
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Due to a production error, we mistakenly
identified this photograph as “first
proof that life exists on Saturn,”
when in fact it was taken at a recent
fashion show where one of the models was
attacked by an alien life form, possibly
from Saturn. We're sorry for any
confusion this may have caused. |
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