MISCELLANEOUS |
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PETA Anti-Fur
Protesters Voted
“Most
Beautiful”
Beat out tree sitters,
anti-war demonstrators,
and last year's winners,
Strippers Opposed to Stripmining. |
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ENVIRONMENT |
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Provision in Budget Bill
Allows Timber Companies to Manage Forests
Fox Logging & Mining will be in
charge of Hen National Forest. |
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SPORTS |
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Arena Football League
Finding Its Audience
Very popular with short claustrophobics
allergic to grass. |
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Spring Training: Pitchers,
Catchers Report
First week devoted to stretching,
scratching, spitting. |
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RELIGION |
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Vatican Opens
Archives to Defend Pius
XII Against Anti-Semitism
Hope old deli receipts,
comedy albums will
convince critics. |
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What
to Do in the Event of
Terrorist Chem, Bio or
Nuke Attack |
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1. |
Lock doors
and windows. |
2. |
Cover any cracks
where outside air
could enter home. |
3. |
Load weapons
– neighbors,
friends and relatives who
could be infected may
seek shelter with you,
you must repel them. |
4. |
Inspect family
for traces of
chemicals or symptoms of
illness. If any family
members have been
exposed, expel them at
once. |
5. |
Clean and
disinfect area suspected
family members may have
contaminated. |
6. |
Open a can
of rations, relax, and
wait for further
instructions. |
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IRONIC TIMES EXCLUSIVE |
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U.S. Plans Two-Year Military
Occupation of Iraq
Followed by brief period of chaos as
various warring groups battle for
control, followed by bloody revolution,
followed by the establishment of a strict
fundamentalist government that supports
terrorism – if all goes well. |
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