| ASTROPHYSICS |
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Speed of Light Slowing Slightly,
Say Australian Physicists
News of their discovery slightly delayed. |
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| SPORTS |
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Poll: What Baseball Fans Plan
To Do If There's a Strike
Most will watch tapes of old games. (See chart below.) |
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Baseball: Players Agree to
Testing for Steroids
Owners agree to testing for Scotch. |
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Tennessee Titans Get Court
Approval to Change Name of Adelphia
Stadium
New facility will be called Ponzi Park. |
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Lesbians
Thinking Playoffs
Fans of the Louisville
Lesbians celebrate their
latest victory. |
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Even though
I'm on vacation, my
speechwriters aren't. I
asked them to list the top three
reasons why we should attack
Saudi Arabia, and here they are:
Saudi
Arabia is a major supporter of
terrorism around the globe.
Saudi Arabia is an avowed enemy
of Israel, and supports its
destruction.
Saudi Arabia is a ruthless and
inhumane dictatorship.
There are
many more reasons, but
they're classified.
(Note: After going to press
we realized that, due to careless
proofreading, the name
"Saudi Arabia" appears
where "Iraq" should be.
We're sorry for any
confusion.) |
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| ODDS 'N ENDS |
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Ten Tourists Dumped into
Shark Tank As Aquarium Platform
Collapses
Though terrified by ordeal, none of the
sharks were injured. |
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