Ironic Times - Page Three, November 20, 2000

PAGE THREE - - NOVEMBER 20 - 26, 2000

GAMES

MONOPOLY, THE DOT-COM EDITION IS RELEASED
Pass Go, lay off 200 workers.

RECIPE OF THE WEEK

Ingredients:
1 large (16-18 lb.) turkey
2 lbs. stuffing
2 dozen yams or sweet potatoes
Brown gravy mix
Your mother-in-law
Your sister-in-law
Her husband, the slug
Their three kids who never shut up
Aunt Florence and Uncle Ray, who aren’t talking
Cousin Whit ("It")
Grandpa and his nurse, Melba
God-knows-who-else

While the turkey cooks at 375°, your sister-in-law should complain that there aren’t enough chairs. Your four-year-old nephew Zack drops Grandpa’s hearing aid in the punch bowl as Uncle Ray goes outside to his car to listen to the ballgame on the radio, and weird cousin "It" performs the Heimlich maneuver on Junior, the 200-lb. Rotweiler who ate the turkey, the stuffing, the yams or sweet potatoes, and the gravy.

Dead Beat
by Walter Winchell

Last night at Toots Shor's all the talk was about this new tome attacking a great American hero, Joe DiMaggio, who happened to be sitting at his usual table in the back, greeting a bunch of lucky stiffs. One of 'em wanted to know if he'd read the book and he said, "No. After I died, I stopped reading."

Later, at Jack Dempsey's watering hole, I ran into the Brown Bomber himself, Joe Louis. I asked the champ if he ever thought of fighting again. He said yes, as a bantamweight. He may have lost his senses, but not his sense of humor.

Meanwhile, you can't go anywhere without hearing the name Matt Drudge. You’d think the guy died and went to heaven. And this fellow wears a very familiar fedora, too. In fact, I think it's the one I was buried in. Developing…

Ran into Judge Crater the other day and asked him what he's been doing ever since he disappeared off the face of the Earth. "The Limbo," he cracked.

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