| ELECTION 2000 |
 |
 Lieberman's
Influence on
Gore Growing
Vice President now using
Borscht Belt material:
"Yes, the food stinks, but
such big portions!" |
|
|
Candidates Struggle with
Hard to Pronounce Names
of World Leaders
Bush wrestles with "Kostunica,"
Gore can't say "Clinton." |
|
Hagelin in Virtual Dead
Heat With Buchanan
Both Reform Party candidates at
.003%, or 38 voters each. |
| |
| GARDENING TIPS |
| COPING WITH APHIDS |
Aphids, those
pesky little creatures
who feast on the leaves
of your favorite fruit
trees, can best be
attacked at this time of
year by releasing ladybugs,
(available at most
garden stores). Your ladybug
infestation can then
be taken care of by
introducing grasshoppers,
a population which can be
easily controlled by
frogs. When it's time to
thin out the frogs, be
sure to read next week's
Gardening Tips:
"Coping With
Alligators." |
|
|
| SHOW BUSINESS |
|
NBC to Delay Election
Results 1 Day
Will allow time to
"package" personal profiles of
winners, losers. |
|
"Nothing Good On" Bought
by CBS
Nightly show features
twenty-somethings sitting around
complaining that there’s
"nothing good on." |
|
Low-Definition TV Gains in Popularity
Shows much improved by blurry image,
fuzzy sound. |
|
"Putin On The Ritz"
Closes in Moscow
Will re-open in Siberia. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Poorest Teams Knocked Out Early in
Baseball Playoffs
"We simply can’t buy a
hit," one losing owner complained. |
| |
PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
DISASTER |
LATEST
DEVELOPMENTS:
- You can fry an egg on the street -- but don't eat it!
- Area loses zip code; no longer needed.
- Finally some good news: nothing left to loot.
|
|
|
|
|
