PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
DISASTER |
LATEST
DEVELOPMENTS:
- "Give a hoot,
don't loot" campaign
catching on in devastated
areas.
- Public Relations
Office Announces the term
"rubble" will
no longer be used to
describe downtown area.
- Thousands still
missing, but life goes
on.
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| "It
looks like the surface of
Mars out there,"
says Maggie Lawson of her
once-thriving cattle
ranch. "Imagine what
it's like a hundred miles
from here." |
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| ELECTION 2000 |
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Bush, Gore, Target Michigan Family
Multimillion dollar ad campaign aimed
at undecided couple in swing state will
determine next President. Marge and Steve
Pendleton "not sure yet" who is
running. |
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Bush Denies Subliminal "GORE
IS A PEDOPHILE" Ad Was Intentional
Downplays incident as a "teapot
in a tempest." |
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Lunatic Fringe Gaining Strength
Poll numbers up heading into November. |
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| BUSINESS NEWS |
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Best Business Plan 2000: Inherit a
Lot of Money, Survey Finds
Result is same as last year. Internet
start-ups are distant second, followed by investment banking, then law. |
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Procter & Gamble at Odds Over
Investment Strategy
Procter wants to play it safe, Gamble
wants to take risks. |
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| FRINGE |
|
Man Crosses Australia in
Electric
Car, Then Eats It
2 Guinness world records set. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
 |
ELIZABETH TAYLOR
GIVEN HISTORICAL STATUS
No new construction without
federal approval. |
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35 Years Later, Rolling Stones
Admit: They Got Plenty of Satisfaction
"We were getting satisfied
morning, noon and night," says Mick
Jagger. "If anything, we were
getting too much satisfaction, but it
didn't make a good song lyric." |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Lard, Nicotine, Crack Now
Considered Healthy in Moderation
New study welcome news for overweight
crack addicts who smoke. |
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TRANSCRIPT OF
THE PRESIDENT’S
NEWS CONFERENCE
President
Clinton: Yes, Bob?
Q: Mr. President, are you
still hopeful that a
mideast settlement can be
achieved before the end
of your administration?
A: Well, Bob, the
negotiations are reaching
a crucial stage, and my
hope is that the
cocksucking motherfuckers
on both sides of the (Continued
next week) |
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| CORRECTION |
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Last week's Ironic Times
incorrectly stated that the United States
Congress is an entirely owned subsidiary
of a cabal of multinational corporations
whose lobbyists write and pass
legislation to increase the wealth of a
tiny group of plutocrats in exchange for
campaign contributions and other gifts to
lawmakers. The word "cabal" was
incorrect. The phrase should have read,
"consortium" of multinational
corporations. |
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