| PEOPLE |
 |
 |
Dalai Lama Says He Might
Not Be Reincarnated
Or, he might come back as a toaster. |
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| |
| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
 Disneyland to
Close Innovations Hall
To make room for cryogenically revived
Walt Disney to greet park visitors. |
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| PUBLISHING |
|
More News Stories Written by Algorithms
Editorials, too. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Bowing to Consumer Demands,
Dunkin' Donuts Removes
Titanium Dioxide From Its
Powdered Sugar Doughnuts
Insists their doughnuts are “plenty unhealthy
without it.” |
|
McDonald's May Add Kale to Menus
As an ingredient in their
Unhappy Meals. |
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Mars Once Entirely
Covered by Water
Passed law banning use of the term
“climate change.” |
|
Scientific Study Finds There
Are Too Many Scientific Studies
One too many. |
| |
 Liquid Metal Brings Shape-Shifting
Robots a Step Closer
Get ready for “Transformers: The
Reality Series.” |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Anti-Smoking Drug Chantix
May Cause Drinkers to Become
Drunker, More Aggressive,
Prone to Blackouts, Suicide
Other than that, it’s safe and effective. |
|
Promising Drug Could Prevent Obesity,
Alzheimer’s
Resulting in thin old people who remember
every goddamn thing you ever said. |
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