| PEOPLE |
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 Conservative
Mormon Senator Mike Crapo Arrested for Drunk
Driving Makes Never Being Arrested Again for
Drunk Driving His New Year’s Resolution
Gambling, whoring must wait until 2014. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Motion Picture Academy
Switches to Online Voting
This year, Adam Sandler will receive Lifetime Achievement award. |
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| BUSINESS |
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World's 100 Richest Individuals Got
$241 Billion Richer in 2012
Great news for those who sell Fabergé eggs. |
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 Starbucks Will
Have 20,000 Locations by 2014
Including the one across the street, the one
on the corner, and the one in your living room. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Confirmed: Asteroid Won't
Hit Earth in 2040
Thirty-year mortgages once again available. |
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 Two-Billion- Year-Old
Martian Rock Found in Sahara Desert Has Traces of Water
Enough to get a camel to Morocco. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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FDA Drug Approvals Hit
New High in 2013
Half to cure ills caused by other half. |
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Good News: Moderately Overweight Have
Lower Death Rates
Bad news: there is no bad news. |
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| RELIGION |
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Church of England Votes to
Allow Gay Bishops, But Only
If They Remain Celibate
Don’t ask, don’t tell replaced by look, but
don’t touch. |
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