| PEOPLE |
 |
 Rick Perry
Tells Students Bad Grades
Prevented Him From
Fulfilling His Dream of
Becoming a Veterinarian
Luckily for dogs. |
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| BUSINESS |
|
Consumer Sentiment Up
Slightly
In Early September
Upgraded from devastated to inconsolable. |
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Rogue Trader for Swiss Bank
Responsible for $2 Billion Loss
Spent it all on cheese, hot chocolate,
stamps and cutlery. |
|
At London Arms Fair, Cluster
Bombs on Sale
Also available online at LondonArmsFair.biz. |
|
 Campbell's Soup
Cuts 800 Jobs to Save Money
Resulting in longer lines at local soup kitchen. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
Fifty New Planets Discovered
Outside Our Solar System
Each one thinks it's the center of the
universe. |
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Discovery of New Fossil, Australopithecus
Sediba, Riles Scientific Community
Nasty debate over whether they were first
species who argued about science. |
|
 Planet
Spotted Circling Two Suns
To survive, humans would
need a sunblock with an
SPF of 160. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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In Study, Researchers Find
Eating Chocolate as Good as Exercise
Sitting on couch all day eating bonbons
equivalent to running six miles. |
|
Subjects’ Resistance to Mild
Pain Better While Watching
Comedy Than Golf
Watching golf mildly painful in and of
itself. |
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