| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 |
World's
Tallest, Fastest Roller
Coaster Opens
Riders must be between
the ages of 16 and 19,
male and considerably
drunk. |
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|
American Sports Tycoon
Purchases British Royal Family
There is no public outrage. |
| |
| FEATURE |
 |
| “The Safe
Access to Drug Treatment
and Child Protection
Act” introduced by
the Chairman of the House
Judiciary Committee
would: |
| A ) | Insure
safe access to drug treatment. |
| B ) | Protect
children. |
| C ) | Make
it a criminal offense punishable by
a prison sentence of 2 to 10 years not to
rat out your family members and not to
wear a wire to collect evidence against
them. |
Hint: Be careful how
you answer
this question. |
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| SPORTS |
|
Study: Athletes Who Wear
Red Win More Often
Than those who wear pink. |
|
|
| The geniuses
who program television
networks know exactly
what we want to see every
Fall, and they do
everything in their power
to prevent that from
happening. To wit: |
| CBS:
Looking to capitalize on
their most controversial
asset, the eye offers
“Rather's
World,” a reality
series that follows
sunken anchor Dan Rather
24/7, with predictable
stunts like people
incessantly asking him,
“What's the
frequency, Kenneth?” |
| NBC:
Desperate for ratings,
the peacock turns to
their star, Donald Trump,
who will give a one
hundred dollar bill to
every viewer. |
| ABC: Not
so desperate, thanks to
“Desperate
Housewives,” the
alphabet network adds
“Sex-Starved
Spouses,”
“Horny
Hausfraus,” and
“Concupiscent
Concubines” to their
hottie-heavy lineup. |
| FOX:
Already dominating cable
news and all three
branches of government,
Rupert Murdoch goes after
what's left with
“Karl Rove's
America,” a nightly
90-minute roundtable
discussion of ways to fix
Social Security without
raising taxes. Ann
Coulter has already
signed on to do the
weather. |
| WB: This
fledgling second-tier
network will take the
novel approach of
repeating all of last
year's shows, but with
new titles. |
| UPN:
Having cancelled the last
iteration of “Star
Trek,” this lifeless
moon of a network has
decided to run a test
pattern until somebody
notices. |
| (Mr. TV's opinions
are not his own.) |
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